How to keep going when life isn't giving you lemons →
I have no idea.
I really have no idea as of right now, but don't worry this blog post won't be super sad.
Just know that this has been a heavy summer for me. Perhaps I'll tell you all what happened months or years from now? We will see. Lets see, this summer I've dealt with heart break, closed doors, depression, anxiety, all that beautiful chaos that reminds you that we aren't as in control of our lives as we would like to be.
For three months, I was sitting on a couch with physical pain that not only stopped me from working but it also made me extremely sad one day, okay the next, paranoid the next, and oh yeah... full of mood swings EVERYDAY. But then I would be okay. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??? I have no idea. I was mentally exhausted in the end.
Some background: I'm annoyingly positive. I watch videos on the power of positivity, read books on self growth, and try to practice good habits. And even then, some days just hurt a little bit more. I'm now doing way better, physically and mentally better- but forever shook on how little control I had.
One thing I learned was to listen to myself. Perhaps I'm not in control, perhaps things aren't going the way I want them to but this is the body and mind I have. I don't have another, this isn't a lease with the promise of a better mind and body. This is it. So, instead of forcing myself to be someone I'm not I have to work with what I have and I have to take care of my mental health.
I started working with rituals, respecting my off days, finding ways to calm myself and being honest about the way things are going in my life. That's when I started to feel calm. My rituals are focused on natural self care and a bit of meditation. This includes: organic skincare, oils, simplicity, clean spaces, morning jogs, time by myself, going along with the things I like even if they're not part of the "plan", and mantras. (I'm still working on this list 😊)
So.... during this summer, with those long days on the couch I started thinking about my career, which is up in the air?? The Hustle is real. I've been to enough interviews that I no longer feel bad if they don't contact me back. I used to find it extremely rude, like "Who raised you?" Now I believe some humans aren't meant to be in my circle. It's all good.
But I wasn't being honest about the career I want or the things that interest me. The things that interest me (career wise) are exactly what I studied: Human Rights and Documentaries. The things that I like can be found in what I almost* studied: Fashion and Illustration. (I can get into why I didn't go that route another day.)
My girlfriends have taught me that we must proclaim what we want in life, and loudly so the universe hears us and assists us. I think this is true. I want to work within human rights and documentary work. That's where I want my energy to go.
Now... these photos, of me, looking like the star that I am: I've heard for too long that to be taken seriously in academia and documentary you have to present a very serious and academic version of yourself. That fashion, beauty, and style don't mix with the two. ABUSRD! I love style. Love films with style, people with style, languages with style, places with style... all of the above. I don't see why everything has to be exclusive. So, as much as it means to celebrate myself it also doesn't mean more than what it is. I'm just celebrating and loving myself, having fun with these photos, seeing where it takes me. I'm listening to myself. I'm finding joy in things that don't mean much but produce so much love for myself. I expect this will grow.
So, this summer hurt, a lot. It didn't give me enough lemon to make lemonade. (Funny? I try) But I'm working with what I have, finding control in other spaces that go beyond "what do I want" and focusing on "how do I want to feel" because nothing is more important to me than my mental health and joy. I also learned that I need to proclaim the life I want, understand it might not always work out, but something in the air does change when you find the confidence to admit what you want.
Okay, this post is alll over! Let me know if it made sense.
In the meantime... check out what I'm into lately:
Currently Listening to: SZA - Love Galore (Official Video) ft. Travis Scott
- Currently Watching (FILM): CROWN HEIGHTS directed by Matt Ruskin
- Currently Obsessed with: Making my own skincare. Castor Oil is a godsend!
- Currently Reading: "Women, Race and Class" by Angela Y. Davis